Sometimes I Think - We All Need SOMEBODY Sometimes

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate your being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please, help me?

When I was younger, so much younger than today
I never needed anybody's help in anyway
But now those days are gone and I'm not so self assured
And now I've found I changed my mind and opened up the doors

"Help!" by The Beatles All Rights Reserved

I've been roaming around, I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody

"Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon All Rights Reserved

Dude, the world is a lonely, lonely place! Zowie. Facebook, Twitter, World of Warcraft, 2nd Life - all places where people can have a form of intimacy without any commitment, and honestly without any lasting fulfillment. I remember when I was young my dad told me this awful story (my dad had a penchant for horror stories) about some people who were shipwrecked on an island. They found some plants on the island that they began to eat just fill their stomachs and stay alive, but unfortunately for them, the plant they consumed had no nutritional value whatsoever. They starved to death on the island with full stomachs.

Shiver me timbers, right? >_< I feel like that is a parallel to what is happening today in day to day life. Everyone is stuffing themselves on interactions that don't challenge, have no lasting value to their soul, and aren't truly vulnerable with anyone.

Does anyone know the worst thing you've ever done? Is it someone you respect? Someone who loves you anyway? Do you have anyone in your life who knows everything about you, whose opinion really matters to you? Is there anyone in your world you trust more than yourself?

These were really hard questions for me. Difficult on so many levels. I was raised to keep myself to myself, to make sure that I didn't air any dirty laundry in public. Unfortunately the "public" was anyone outside of our immediate family. (My parents have since amended their opinion on this topic - my parents are great; always looking for the healthier path.) I wandered around feeling very lonely, very segregated, and I didn't know why.

I wish I could say that "POOF!", as soon as I got in a relationship with someone healthy and mature it was easy for me to share, and it felt great - but that is SOOOO NOT THE CASE! At first, it felt so incredibly awkward. I struggled with immense feelings of being a bother, a nuisance, a cry baby, a drama queen, and had a million and one reasons why the moment wasn't ideal for being vulnerable.

It was all lies, of course. My comfort zone was being challenged. My belief about my worth was being challenged. It was a very scary time, but also one of great growth and great breakthrough.

What if we all took the time to truly listen to at least one person today? What if we asked that someone who has stood out to us all this time, "How are you really doing?" and actually listened? Sometimes I think we want to make loving God and serving people into this big melodramatic thing that can't happen until we're in another country working with the starving and the dying. But guess what? People are starving and dying right here! You can save a life today by just being present with someone. But it will take risk, and it will take a willingness to be uncomfortable, even in familiar circumstances. Sometimes I think, it's these "small" things that mean the most.

"What use is it, my brethren, if someone says he has faith but he has no works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and be filled, " and yet you do not give them what is necessary for their body, what use is that? Even so faith, if it has no works, is dead, being by itself." James 2:14-17

Not To Forget You...

I went home for Christmas. Had a lot of fun, ate a lot of food, saw a lot of snow. =) But while I was there I realized, good grief I have CHANGED.

I left because I wanted change in environment, perspective, and the atmosphere of my soul. (In other words, just a few tiny alterations! Haha!) In the past, I've tried to change and discovered that change is difficult. We are strange creatures of dirt and the breath of God; stiff, pliant, and squishy, everything oozes back to sea level if "change" is effected without His tools.

The first night, I went upstairs to my bedroom, and right off the bat, out came my bible and my heart. In that moment, as I opened up to His Presence (kind of like a sanctified heroin addict), I realized how far I'd come. I wasn't spending time with God to cross Him off the list of "disciplines". I was embracing Him because He is real and He is wonderful. He's way better than anything anyone has ever described before.

Crazy right? But so reassuring - I'd always hoped that actually knowing Him would take the effort away. You all know how huge that is for me; time with God was always such a guilt trip for me. I really sucked at it. Now, I realize He probably hated it way more than I ever did! Haha, it is possible to bore God! Hahaha! But, I've discovered Him.

I have to warn you, it is dangerous. It is literally addictive. If you're going to church or some other religious building and feeling condemned because you don't put in the hours - you haven't found God. When you find Him, you discover He needs to come with a warning label. Literally. My roommate has accidentally woken me and I've had to take a few breaths before talking to her for fear of biting her head off - THAT'S how good the dream was. I've had His Presence come so close, I've had trouble breathing.

It has nothing to do with religion. He is risky and wild, He is creativity and sound. And, just a warning, He's been known to burst in on people who weren't even thinking about Him.

Ahh. Yep. He's beautiful. =) Anyway, I thought that was fun. I couldn't change me, but He could, and easy-peasy. He just had to show me His face.

Would you like to know God? Not that bummer everyone feels so guilty about, but the Guy who hung out with prostitutes, crooked political employees, and drunks - so much so that the religious people thought HE was a drunk! Haha! If you want, you can pray the prayer at the end of this page. DON'T PRAY IT UNLESS YOU ARE READY TO LOOSE IT. Seriously. I dared God, and I don't regret it, but if you're content on your own, don't goof around with it.

Have a greeeat weekend peoples!

Sam

Me: God, I ask that everyone who prays this prayer from their heart would not fail to find YOU. Not anyone else's representation or the god who makes sense, but YOU. Thanks.

Prayer: Hey God, I'm looking for you. I dare you to find me.

Possibly The Strangest Post I've Ever Made

I am a dreamer.

I have more ideas and visions and hopes for ten years from now than practical wisdom for tomorrow. I've been working through this book that has exercises to help stimulate creativity and curiosity. One of the exercises was to create a list of 100 questions; don't think, just write. Don't worry about the answers, just ask the questions. And it was funny, some of the questions that came pouring out of my soul were: "Why is it so hard to get still?", "What am I running from?", "Why do I have such certainty about 30 years from now, but no idea about tomorrow?"

In the last two years of my life, I've learned some wonderful things about myself. I've learned about the depths of creativity that God placed inside of me, that I am a woman who is passionate about relationships and love, that I am a very good leader, and that I have to be free, that I cannot stand to be constrained.

But I've also learned some hard things about myself. I've learned that I have things to work on and areas in my life where I need to grow. I have fear in my life. I've let fear push me around more often than I'd like to admit. When I'm scared I hide, I lie, I get busy, I keep secrets, I procrastinate. I've learned that it just takes a moment to make a mess, and messes scare me. Messes scare me because they challenge love. They challenge other people's love for me, challenge my love for myself, challenge my trust in God's love for me.

And I've realized that I am SO TEMPTED, so tempted to live my life just a little bit safer. Dream up a future that I can do, that I'm sure I can do. One without major messes, one that doesn't expose my faults, one that doesn't challenge me or my perception of myself. It would be so much easier! And wouldn't that be better for everyone? Wouldn't everyone like that better? If Sam wasn't such a screw up?

But. I came to California because my life was on fire. The past behind me that was so safe, so predictable, so strong was too small for me, and much too small for me to truly see God. It's so sad, I've seen Him better in my worst moments than on my most peaceful day. I came to California because I wanted to know Him, really and truly. If it turned out that it was all hype, that Christianity was actually just some sort of mass emotional high, I wanted to know. I wanted to know and for certain.

So I burned everything that I built, and came out here where daily I walk on borrowed strength. I know that I eat because He supplied it for me - and not in a way that I would have picked! I've chosen this. I've chosen honest frailty rather than implied strength. I've chosen to be ugly when I'd much rather TRY to be acceptable, covered up. It feels insane some times!! It feels like, shouldn't chasing God be easier? Shouldn't suddenly finances pour out of the sky? Shouldn't wisdom just be downloaded to me; wisdom and tons of self control? Right? Wasn't that in the book somewhere?

I don't have a beautiful, properly edited end to this post. This is just an honest moment where suddenly a bunch of ideas congealed and I knew I needed somewhere to remember this blob of truth. This is the truth: God never gets tired of ugly me. He never backs up or steps away. The only step He takes is closer. And He never does things the way that I want Him to, and I have to be ok with that. Because that is who He is.

Night!

Another Look At Glory

Funny, I haven't posted something brand new to this blog in while. Even the newer things I've posted haven't been truly new to me because they are reposts of things that I have on my facebook. But as I looked at the stats on this blog, I saw that people liked some of these "wondering" posts.

Since being at Bethel, I've heard messages where Pastor Bill highlights the scripture where God shows Moses His back? It's rather long, but I'm going to post it anyway:

¹³"Now therefore, I pray You, if I have found favor in Your sight, let me know Your ways that I may know You, so that I may find favor in Your sight. Consider too, that this nation is Your people."

¹⁴And He said, "My presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest."

¹⁵Then he said to Him, "If Your presence does not go with us, do not lead us up from here.

¹⁶"For how then can it be known that I have found favor in Your sight, I and Your people? Is it not by Your going with us, so that we, I and Your people, may be distinguished from all the other people who are upon the face of the earth?"

¹⁷The LORD said to Moses, "I will also do this thing of which you have spoken; for you have found favor in My sight and I have known you by name."

¹⁸Then Moses said, "I pray You, show me Your glory!"

¹⁹And He said, "I Myself will make all My goodness pass before you, and will proclaim the name of the LORD before you; and I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show compassion on whom I will show compassion."

I find it interesting that when Moses asked to see God's glory, God showed him His goodness, His graciousness, and His compassion. Interesting.

Having said all that, I'll repost what I said earlier in the year:

• Proverbs 25:2 NIV

  It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.

• John 17:20 NIV

"My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one: I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. "Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.

What is Glory?? Seems pretty important in the bible and like it might be a good idea to define.

Glory

Glo"ry\, n. [OE. glorie, OF. glorie, gloire, F. gloire, fr. L. gloria; prob. akin to Gr. ?, Skr. ?ravas glory, praise, ?ru to hear. See Loud.]1. Praise, honor, admiration, or distinction, accorded by common consent to a person or thing; high reputation; honorable fame; renown. Glory to God in the highest. --Luke ii. 14.

Glory

Glo"ri*ous\, a. [OF. glorios, glorious, F. glorieux, fr. L. gloriosus. See Glory, n.]1. Exhibiting attributes, qualities, or acts that are worthy of or receive glory; noble; praiseworthy; excellent; splendid; illustrious; inspiring admiration; as, glorious deeds.



I'll ask it again: What is glory? How would God define glory? What is HE describing when He uses the word "glory?"

Interesting. Very interesting. Have a good night!

It's The End Of The World As I Know It

=) Love it.

It's the end of the school year. One packed with nerves, new adventures, new friends, new interests, excitement, stress, anxiety, overwhelming peace, storms, influences and influencers, unexpected favor, and surprising weight loss. Haha! But what I've learned most from this year is how closely I have to walk with the Lord to stay sane.

I pursued passion and experience, and it was fun and good and interesting, but I quickly discovered that if my experiences outweighed my inner understanding of who He is to ME and how we are together in our relationship - I lose my bearings and quickly run aground. I need Him personally. I say it shamelessly - I can't make it a day without Him. I know He wants me to have experiences, but they have to add to my personal life with Him - otherwise they are signs that point nowhere and just leave me confused and anxious.

He told me at the beginning of the school year that we would take it slowly and that I'd have to stay centered in Him, but I kind of forgot about that. And my year has been amazing, but in the last couple of weeks I have SERIOUSLY overdone it. Especially on spring break. I went to my limits in growth (growth can be so exhausting) in way too many areas. I actually felt the Lord pretty obviously check me. I am not designed to do well on my own. ^_^

The other theme of this year - one I didn't recognize until tonight - is His faithfulness. Some people mention the faithfulness of God and you have no idea what they're talking about. I'm talking about His extreme skill in pursuing your best interests overall, no matter what it may look like at any given moment. He has answered so many prayers for me this year, but many were answered so creatively, I almost didn't recognize them as answers! But I think that God has this thing where He goes, "Ooo, eeesh, if I answer her prayer just the way she means it - man, she's gonna hate that. And that's going to burn her later on, down the road. You know what, I'll just do it like THIS - " and blammo, I'm working for minimum wage but I have a cellphone, a macbook, all my needs are met, and my second year is entirely paid for.

When I left home, I stressed out because I didn't have a job, I didn't have enough funds to move, I didn't know where I was going to live (didn't find a place until like four days before I left), and didn't have the money to attend school. I felt like I was being irresponsible because I felt such peace inside - I thought I was in denial. It wasn't denial - it was His Presence ushering me forward.

And now the year is winding down, and I have a week and three days of school left. Once again, the feelings of anxiety come - where am I going to live over the summer? What if I don't make it into second year - what will I do? How am I going to make it through the summer when all of my closest friends are leaving? And IMMEDIATELY, I'm drawn to this Cory Asbury song that quickly becomes my theme song "Faithful to the End". As I start listening to it, I'm comforted.

Yesterday, I found out I was accepted to second year. Fifteen minutes later, one of my closest friends and mentors asks me to live with her for the summer. And I'd live within a ten minute walk of three of my favorite people here in Redding - and they aren't leaving for the summer!

I am growing. God is faithful. He loves me and I love Him.

Goodnight!

I Live His Life

I'm sitting in my darkened room and it's drizzling morosely outside. The only light is the glow from my wee computer screen and I should be long gone into the land of unconsciousness - but once more, I have a quick thought to share.

I was in worship tonight at Bethel and we were sang this song by Delirious called "History Maker". It sings about how we live for Him.

And as I sang, "I'm living for you, I'm gonna be a History Maker in this land, I'm gonna be a speaker of truth to all mankind, I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna run, into your arms, into your arms again" it was resonating so loudly inside of me, I was just flipping out. But then, God showed me something. I saw how God breathed His life into my bones. That it was His life that gave me the strength to move forward. That I do nothing on my own. I actually saw two pictures: one was all of me consumed by His spirit - His spirit flowing in and out of me and filling me with life. The other was when I was living my own life, by my own power, by my own spirit. And the picture of my life on my own steam was so much fainter, so much weaker.

And I saw how I don't live my life, I live His life. Whenever I lose sight of that fact, I'm living my life in my strength and I'll get worn down. But when I remember that it's HIS life in me, that HE is living through me, then I am able to be all that I was born to be. And it's by running into His arms, again and again, that I am able to continue. It's by total reliance on Him that I can do all that I'm called to do. I am living for Him, but it's through Him that I live and move. It's only by His strength that I can exist. I need to rely on Him fully and completely abandon the fallacy of being able to do anything apart from Him. I live His life. But His life is my life. We are one.

This isn't terribly polished, because I really don't have time to edit it for readability, but it's what's coming out of my heart right now. Night y'all.

Intensity; Coupled With Grace And Self Control - It's A Good Thing

I'm feeling intense again. There are days when I'll suddenly hear this sentence or phrase in my heart and it just echos. And echos. The rest of my life may not realize it, but every area is affected by the fall out from that silent shout - everything is rearranged in some way. Adjusted to accommodate the expanding truth that is turning my world inside out.

It happened again tonight.

I was late for the night service at Bethel and only caught the tail end of the message, but the atmosphere in church was insane. Just heavy and waiting. Randall Worley was speaking and then he asked Bill Johnson to come up and pray for him. And it was at that moment that the gathering feelings crystallized into a sentence.

I want to manifest my Father to the world.

It was like I could see how Father God has been misrepresented. We go to church, we have worship services, we go on mission trips - all very good things, but some how the message comes across that our Father is shut off from us for long periods of time. That once church is over, He goes back to His room where He REALLY dwells. That if we want to feel His Presence, we have to gather in large groups and focus on Him really hard. We have to draw Him in.

Lies.

He tore the heavens open so He could come and fellowship with His children again. As much as I want to be aware of His Presence, He wants it even more. He longs for me waaaay more than I long for Him. He LONGS for me. Wow.

I want to manifest my Father all day, every day. All night. All day. Creation is groaning, the world is groaning, we are groaning, the Father is groaning. But I can' t offer it to the world until I realize it for myself - I can only give away what I've received. He. Longs. For. Me.

I am not alone. He is mine and I am His.